I'm Drunk and Your OkCupid Sucks: Benny B is Fuckin' Funny
A man known as Benny B emails, asking for advice:
Little inside joke there from Benny, as my own OKCupid profile repeatedly claims that I'm actually Batman.
So.
Pictures: Good choice for the first one, I think. It's blurry and whatnot, but you look pimp as hell in that getup. Wear that shit more often, 'cause it's awesome. I'd say you could definitely use more pictures of you with friends, ideally ones where you aren't making kind of a retarded face, like you are in that last one. Unless you're actually retarded, in which case you have done an excellent job hiding it in those first 3 pics.
Self-summary:
Not bad starting out, I guess. It's probably good that you explain your username, because it sounded like some sort of reference to your dick, and it was making me a little uncomfortable.
I'm not sure that really belongs. People could misconstrue it as some kind of weird bitterness over someone else, like if your profile said "I'm not a dirty lying whore who accidentally sleeps with entire football teams, and also has turbo syphilis." or some such thing. Either way, it sounds kind of negative, so I'd toss it.
I think, considering that you've actually played at comedy clubs, that you can actually state that you're fuckin' hilarious without any wishy-washy bullshit like "I like to think", or "my friends tell me". I'd shorten it to something shorter and bolder, like:
...or whatever. My usual advice on saying that you're funny, though, is don't. It's like saying you're smart, or good looking: if you are, it will be immediately evident anyway, and if you're not, then saying so isn't going to fool anyone.
Also, for a guy who claims to be funny, your profile isn't funny at all. Not even a little. The best way to convince someone that you're funny is to be funny. If you claim in your self-summary that you're funny and then basically fail to even attempt humor in your profile, it comes off as a big ol' lie, and not even a good one. So in the end, I'd ditch any mention of being funny, and concentrate on actually being funny instead.
It's a little dry. Not funny at all, but you knew that. Ditch the mention of how your job at a liquor store is making your bachelor's go slowly, unless there's some actual reason why you'd want to mention that (there isn't). You can leave the mention of open mic night at the comedy club in this part, because you're just mentioning it offhand, and not spending an entire paragraph pointlessly trying to convince us that you're funny.
Can you please stop telling us that you're funny? I'd basically ditch this entire section, and replace it with something funny. And talking about how you give awesome backrubs comes off a little creepy.
It's true, you're a big dude. That's fine and totally approp--
This section is pretty much filler crap on everyone's profile, so, fuckin' whatever. I would, however, maybe replace some of those books with titles that normal people might recognize. If you can figure out some way to make this section funny, please do so.
Pretty standard crap. Guitar is good, since as far as I know girls like musical dudes. The rest is pretty boring. Which is fine, unless you want to demonstrate some humor, which would be excellent.
The rest of it is all right. Not great, not funny, but inoffensive and not super painfully dull. Probably a lot of squandered chances to be funny, which you should rectify.
Awesome but irrelevant: under Similar Users, you have a dude named Butt_Reynolds, which is a sweet as hell name.
How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.
And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.
Your liver is going to be left in shambles after all these, Nate.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/RodFunmuscle/
Do mine first, you owe me after begrudgingly I teamed up with you to help defeat the Joker and Lex Luthor.
Little inside joke there from Benny, as my own OKCupid profile repeatedly claims that I'm actually Batman.
So.
Pictures: Good choice for the first one, I think. It's blurry and whatnot, but you look pimp as hell in that getup. Wear that shit more often, 'cause it's awesome. I'd say you could definitely use more pictures of you with friends, ideally ones where you aren't making kind of a retarded face, like you are in that last one. Unless you're actually retarded, in which case you have done an excellent job hiding it in those first 3 pics.
Self-summary:
Not bad starting out, I guess. It's probably good that you explain your username, because it sounded like some sort of reference to your dick, and it was making me a little uncomfortable.
I don't lie to friends.
I'm not sure that really belongs. People could misconstrue it as some kind of weird bitterness over someone else, like if your profile said "I'm not a dirty lying whore who accidentally sleeps with entire football teams, and also has turbo syphilis." or some such thing. Either way, it sounds kind of negative, so I'd toss it.
I like to think I'm a funny guy, though every dude who fills out one of these things probably thinks they are too. I have a couple credentials to back me up, though-- I've played at Acme Comedy Club and The Triple Rock Social Club. Plus all my friends totally tell me I'm, like, hilarious.
I think, considering that you've actually played at comedy clubs, that you can actually state that you're fuckin' hilarious without any wishy-washy bullshit like "I like to think", or "my friends tell me". I'd shorten it to something shorter and bolder, like:
I'm funny as hell. Every dude says that, I know, but for the record I've actually played at comedy clubs.
That's right ladies, I'm professionally funny.
...or whatever. My usual advice on saying that you're funny, though, is don't. It's like saying you're smart, or good looking: if you are, it will be immediately evident anyway, and if you're not, then saying so isn't going to fool anyone.
Also, for a guy who claims to be funny, your profile isn't funny at all. Not even a little. The best way to convince someone that you're funny is to be funny. If you claim in your self-summary that you're funny and then basically fail to even attempt humor in your profile, it comes off as a big ol' lie, and not even a good one. So in the end, I'd ditch any mention of being funny, and concentrate on actually being funny instead.
What I’m doing with my life:
I'm a graphic design student at Art Institutes International Minnesota. I'm going for my Bachelor's and have about 2 years left. It's going a bit slowly because I'm also working at a liquor store in Minnetonka. When I get the chance on Tuesday nights, I like to play guitar and sing at the open mic night at The Depot Coffee House. Open Mic at Acme Comedy Club on Mondays is another thing I like to go to, but I haven't played there lately.
It's a little dry. Not funny at all, but you knew that. Ditch the mention of how your job at a liquor store is making your bachelor's go slowly, unless there's some actual reason why you'd want to mention that (there isn't). You can leave the mention of open mic night at the comedy club in this part, because you're just mentioning it offhand, and not spending an entire paragraph pointlessly trying to convince us that you're funny.
I’m really good at:
Cheering people up, particularly those I care about. Also, I'm pretty damn good at making new people laugh. I don't know what it is, but when I meet a new group of people, I almost always get a good belly-laugh out of the whole lot.
I've also been told I give great hugs and greater back-rubs.
Can you please stop telling us that you're funny? I'd basically ditch this entire section, and replace it with something funny. And talking about how you give awesome backrubs comes off a little creepy.
The first things people usually notice about me:
My size. I'm a pretty big guy, and people have never been shy about asking me if I ever played football, or wrestled.
It's true, you're a big dude. That's fine and totally approp--
my sense of humorFUCK.
My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Books: John Dies at the End, 300 Pages of Crap,The Hitchhiker's Guide books, The Hawkline Monster, Holes, Born Standing Up, John Dies at the End 2: John and Dave and the Temple of X'al'naa''thuthuthu.
Movies: In Bruges, The Big Lebowski, No Country For Old Men, Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Boondock Saints, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, The Dark Knight and tons more.
Music: Tom Waits, Tenacious D, Louis Armstrong, Mos Def, Johnny Cash, Charlie Parker, A Tribe Called Quest, Beastie Boys, Ween and dozens more.
Food: Sesame Beef from Dragon Jade, Grape Slushies from Sonic, Deep Dish Pepperoni from Davanni's.
This section is pretty much filler crap on everyone's profile, so, fuckin' whatever. I would, however, maybe replace some of those books with titles that normal people might recognize. If you can figure out some way to make this section funny, please do so.
The six things I could never do without:
My Friends
My Guitar
Music
A good pair of jeans
Some solid shoes
My wits
Pretty standard crap. Guitar is good, since as far as I know girls like musical dudes. The rest is pretty boring. Which is fine, unless you want to demonstrate some humor, which would be excellent.
The rest of it is all right. Not great, not funny, but inoffensive and not super painfully dull. Probably a lot of squandered chances to be funny, which you should rectify.
Awesome but irrelevant: under Similar Users, you have a dude named Butt_Reynolds, which is a sweet as hell name.
How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.
And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.
Labels: drunk, love advice
posted by Nate Falls at
01:23
1 Comments:
Butt Reynolds is a sweet name, especially for a dating site.
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