I'm Drunk and Your OkCupid Sucks: Poo Biscuit? What?

A plea for help from a man who calls himself Poobiscuit. What the hell, man:

Well, I've uploaded some new pictures (including those with other people!), so break open your booze and tell me what you think.

Pictures:
Immediate impression:
Your pictures are fucking TINY. Like, smaller than the profile page thumbnailed version. What the fuck, dude. My cellphone takes pictures bigger and clearer than those. Rectify that, asap. I can't even tell what your fuckin' face looks like. Also, I'm not sure most girls will respond well to The Shocker, once that picture is big enough that someone can actually recognize it. For the record, I love costume party pictures. It's nearly impossible to take a boring picture at a costume party, so fuckin' kudos on those.

I am the best, relaxed, and weird.

"Weird" is probably not an adjective you want to apply to yourself. "Weird" is the guy in the corner who eats paste, or the pudgy guy who insists on wearing an Indiana Jones hat everywhere. Don't ever be that fuckin' dude. Be something else.

My Self-Summary:
I just graduated from Northern Illinois University. Some of my favorite activities include sitting around, drinking, watching movies and/or TV, and playing the not study game. I also partake in sarcastically ripping on stuff, but in a joking and jovial manner. I get along with people with a great sense of humor.

I enjoy going to see rock shows, generally of the "small place featuring band no one's heard of" variety; any mosh pits are a plus. I'm a fan of going to some bars, though nothing that would be considered "upscale." Hell, what most would call "dives," I would call "Places of Interest." I prefer smaller, more intimate venues, where conversation can flow without the need to yell. I also like staying in, and enjoying beer and a movie, especially when it's cold out.

I'm looking for someone who enjoys hanging out, whether it be at home or out at a show. Also, it helps if they like beer; beer is awesome.

"Hanging out", isn't an activity. It's literally a lack of activity. Quadriplegics do it constantly. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's basically the most boring activity you could talk about engaging in. Ditto for "sitting around". "Watching tv/movies" isn't much better, as it's a passive activity rather than something that could tell us something about you. Might as well tell us about how much you like breathing and sleeping for all the good those will be doing you. Tell us all about your hobbies of maintaining your body's temperature and being subject to gravity.

Rock shows, on the other hand, are awesome and everyone who doesn't suck knows it. That middle paragraph is great. If you can expand on that, maybe with a few specifics, go crazy. Anyone who doesn't like live music is a stupid bitch and you don't need her anyway.

What I’m doing with my life:
Searching for jobs in an interactive marketing field. I'm sending out applications more or less daily, and hoping the economy stops sucking so I get hired.

I'm also trying not to have let the Cubs give me a heart attack, but I'm not optimistic on that front.

What I read: "Boo hoo, the economy is in the shitter and my favorite baseball team is a bunch of useless dildos."
Make the first bit a little less negative: "sending out applications daily to score a job in my field despite the economy", or some such. Make the shit job market an opportunity to show that you can be upbeat and ambitious despite difficult conditions. Everyone loves the plucky, hustling underdog, because he's got heart, and he's got balls.

Sorry your team fucking sucks. I'm sure she can sympathize on that front, so go ahead and leave it. Bond with her over your shared sports tragedy.

I’m really good at:
-making witty remarks; I love to pop a good zinger following good set-ups.

-remembering random sports trivia. I don't know why I'm good at this, but I am.

-kicking ass. Because someone has to be.

Everyone loves a witty son of a bitch, but it's a lot like telling people you're funny: show me, don't tell me, that you're a witty mofo. The rest is not particularly stand-out, but it isn't going to send anyone running. For the record, in person, on a date with a non-sports-fan, sports trivia is the dullest fuckin' thing you could possibly talk about. I figure you know that, but I'm just making sure, because, well, Internet.

The first things people usually notice about me
From a personality standpoint: my sarcastic replies, and my "high-falutin'" way of talking.

From a physical standpoint: my gangliness.

high-falutin'? Really? I'm not 100% sure what you're saying here, but if you ever try to chat up a girl and say something that brings to mind a top-hat and monocle, I will find out and I will slap you, because that is some goony, chick repellent bullshit. Insisting on using ten-dollar SAT words is just as bad. You're witty, right? Remember, brevity is the soul of wit, so be brief.

If that's not what you meant by "high-falutin'", for the love of God, keep it that way.

Also, there has to be a better adjective for your body than "gangly". Are you tall? Say that. Find something positive to say about your Ichabod Crane physique.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Books: Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Good Omens, Batman comics, Pearls Before Swine

Movies: Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, V For Vendetta, Hot Fuzz, Superbad, Slingblade, Blazing Saddles, Alien, Aliens, Predator, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs

Music: Metallica, Pantera, System Of A Down, Rage Against The Machine, Megadeth, Dethklok

TV: Arrested Development, The Venture Bros., Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law, Scrubs, South Park

Good. A few items per category, no wall of text, Dethklok rules.

The six things I could never do without:
1. Comedy; 2. Robots; 3. Beer; 4. Sweets; 5. Video Games; 6. The Devil's music

Good, varied list. Probably true without being boring, not the same stupid shit everyone else lists. I am angry that I can't find something angry to say about this, so fuck you.

On a typical Friday night I am
inviting the gang over for a night of drinks and video games (Mario Kart and Smash Bros. being the usual games of choice). Sometimes I mix it up by heading to another's place for the same stuff at a different venue. I'm also up for concerts, bars, and movies.

"at home playing video games" probably isn't the sexiest thing you could have answered with, but you've got it sounding like a social activity, with friends and drinking. "Demented and sad, but social", as the late John Hughes put it. I'd probably have less details about exactly what games were getting played, but that's because I'm 30 years old guy and slightly ashamed of sometimes liking video games, so that's entirely your choice. It's no biggie either way.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I have no qualms about watching children's cartoons.

Not a bad confession. Anyone who seriously gives you shit for liking cartoons is probably a stupid ho, and you can tell her Nate said so.

You should message me if:
you're cool, and want to meet someone like yourself.

Pretty standard, not really all that interesting. If she's gotten this far and likes what she sees, it's not going to dissuade her, but I think it's a sqaundered opportunity to actually give her a reason to talk to you. Here are a bunch of the things I have suggested for this section, in the past. Most of them probably don't apply to you, but you get the idea:

You should message me if:
If you want to pit your robots against mine in a battle to the death.
If you wanna talk about space and shit.
If you wanna let me perform a 1-man raid on your dungeon.
if you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey I'm still free; take a chance on me.
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around.
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down.
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown.
If you think you can beat me at drunken Scrabble
If you're a terrible bowler, like me, but you don't care, like me.
If you don't think a man in a cowboy hat can make a baked ziti.
If you believe in fairies.
If you kick ass, figuratively or otherwise.

You can do anything with it. Suggest date activities, tell the reader what kind of lady you're looking for, quote ABBA. Sky's the limit.

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How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.