Resident Evil: Apocalypse: A Review

If you liked the first one, you'll like this. If you liked xXx, you'll probably like this. If you're looking for artsy crap or a totally coherent plot that someone spent more than an hour on, then I think you came into the wrong theatre.

Zombies get shot, stabbed, lit on fire, blown up, run over by cars, kicked in the face, and decapitated, mostly by Milla Jovovich. Breast are bared, if not for a great deal of time. Motorcycles are inexplicably jumped through windows, and it all makes sense, if you don't think about it too hard. If this was the Shawshank Redemption with Andy Dufrsne escaping by building a Harley-Davidson Fat Boy entirely out of soap and jumping it through a 2' square window with bars while the warden's head explodes from astonishment, I would feel rather violated, but this is a movie based on a computer game, so there's no need to set the bar very high.

My rating: $5.

Review: Before Sunset

I just saw Before Sunset, and then rushed home to warn you all.

It's 80 minutes of real-time dialogue between Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. It's like someone took one of those long Clerks shots of just Dante and Randall talking about crap, stretched it out to an hour and twenty minutes, turned Randall into a French lady, and had them adlib all their lines, specifically instructing them to not be entertaining.

No, seriously, that's it. The whole time I kept expecting something to happen. Anything. Nothing happened. Nothing at all happened in this film apart from some extraordinarily dull conversation. I've had oil changes more film-worthy.

My rating: -$7. They should have paid me to watch this. That shit was hard work.

Update: I have been informed that this fim is a sequel to the 1995 movie Before Sunrise. I have now watched the first film's trailer, and thus am fully qualified to change my rating to...wait, no, it's still crap.

Haiku: cereal, the tasty nemesis.

I crunch, thoughtfully,
A flake falls back to the bowl--
He'll not escape me.