I Have Thoughts Occasionally, and I Apologize for That

I had a thought about a song today. At a party last night, I remember hearing Britney Spears's version of "I Love Rock & Roll", and even though it uses the same words as the original, it seems to communicate a different message.

I thought it was pretty clear that Joan Jett simply loved rock & roll, but I get the feeling that Britney's feelings toward rock & roll likely involve getting rock & roll to come home with her and letting rock & roll have sex with her in the butt.

Which is to say, I think the new version's growing on me.

Review: First Daughter

First Daughter: It's pretty much just like Chasing Liberty, only with Katie Holmes instead of Mandy Moore. Normally, that would be a point in Daughter's favor, except the only thing Liberty had going for it was that Mandy Moore seems slutty enough that even I'd have a chance with her, so I could create elaborate fantasies involving Mandy, me, and a whole jar of chunky peanut butter and watch them play out on my head during the stupid parts of the film. That is to say, the parts between the previews and the credits. With First Daughter, I didn't even have that to keep me company, as Katie consistently rejects me, even in my imaginary happy land.

My rating for First Daughter: $1.

additional note: I swear to you that I did not pay to see Chasing Liberty. My mother lacks whatever sense that keeps most of the rest of us from renting obviously godawful movies. I love her dearly, but I no longer let her go to Blockbuster Video unaccompanied.

Now, to cheer you up, a kitty:



Awwww.

Haiku From the Road

a twist of the wrist-
all my demons fall behind,
buried in the wind

Double Feature Review: Princess Diaries 2 and Hidalgo

I just saw Princess Diaries 2, and then came home to find that someone had rented Hidalgo, and it was just starting, so I ended up watching it and right now I'm not liking movies very much.


The Princess Diaries was crap. It was such total cheese that I put my hat back on 10 minutes into the film to minimize the chances of being recognized, even though there were only 2 other people in the entire theatre. I actually cringed at a good number of lines in that movie, and truly felt sorry for Julie Andrews throughout the whole thing. It must have hurt, being in a movie like this after doing, say, the Sound of Music. Actually, forget The Sound of Music: it must have hurt being in a movie like this after doing The Princess Diaries 1.

The Princess Diaries 2 gets a rating of $2.00

The sappy factor had me walking out the theatre with a smile on my face, though, which is more than I can say for Hidalgo. Egads. I was checking my watch constantly, hoping this seemingly longer-then-the-3000-mile-race-it-depicts marathon of a film would end, so I could sleep, or eat something, or watch Jon Stewart fail to be funny about the Presidential election. We were rooting for Viggo to shoot the horse when it got injured, and then fell silent in defeat when it got back up and kept going. Hidalgo could have been made much shorter, if they had cut out all the-
No, scratch that. It could have been made the optimal length by not making it all.

In any case, knowing what I know now, you would have to pay me to see Hidalgo. At my current job's pay rate, that comes out to $33.43, plus $2 for gas.

I give Hidalgo, therefore, a rating of -$35.43

Conversations From Work

You have a dog, do you? What kind?

Oh, puppy. Right.

Rottweiler? Interesting.

Fifty pounds, you say? At five months of age? Heavens, that does sound rather large.

You're absolutely right. Quite a large puppy. I have a dog too, you know. Much smaller than yours.

Yes, I can imagine that such large jaws and teeth on a puppy must be an odd, somewhat humorous sight. That was just a polite courtesy chuckle, by the way. You've been talking about your puppy nonstop for at least five minutes now, and the subject, or at least your presentation of it, has ceased to be truly interesting, but I'm still trying to be polite about it, because I rather like this seat and if I were to be rude and suddenly refuse to converse with you, it would create an uncomfortable situation, and I would likely have to find a seat elsewhere in order to alleviate said situation, and the only ones open are unpadded folding chairs, and I'd really like to avoid those if I could.

Yes, I can see how such a large puppy would be difficult to train, specifically in the area of not chewing your possessions to bits. I'm trying desperately to change the subject of conversation, specifically to anything non-Rottweiler-related.

Yeah, big teeth chewing things. You already mentioned that. Must be frustrating. Can we please talk about something else? Anything, really.

Your shoes, huh? Ripped to shreds. Yeah. Seriously, can you just be quiet for a while, or bother someone else?

No? Wonderful.

Spanking him with a newspaper doesn't work? On a fifty-pound Rottweiler? You don't say. I never would have guessed that a disciplining tool made of paper wouldn't work on a dog of that size. That was sarcasm, of course. You're an idiot. Shut up.

Yeah, that's a good idea. An obedience school might help. This, it took you five months to figure out? I weep for the future of humanity. If you do not shut your mouth, I will staple it shut and duct-tape your head to the floor.

Cute. Right. I'm sure it's adorable. Shut your facial sphincter. I WILL EAT YOUR SOUL AND SET YOUR CHILDREN ON FIRE WITH MY MIND AND STAB YOUR DOG TO DEATH AND WEAR HIS SKIN FOR A HAT.

...Yeah, I'm a bit thirsty. I'm going to head over to the cooler and find something to drink, maybe head outside and get some fresh air. I hate you. Yes, with a burning passion, to the very core of my being. Hmm? Yeah, probably a Coke. You want one?


I am Nate, Background Superstar.

Review: Jenny McCarthy's Right Nipple

I know this isn' t a movie review, but some things just require me to speak out.

I touched Carmen Electra today on the set of Dirty Love, and saw a Jenny McCarthy nipple firsthand due to a minor wardrobe malfunction during a stage-diving scene. The one on the right.

I give Jenny McCarthy's right nipple a preliminary rating of $6.00, but I will reserve a final judgement for the day she shows me both of them at the same time, since it would be unfair to rate the one nipple out of context.