Ghost Rider: Wait, What the Crap Was That?
A review, and public service announcement
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought I was watching a Nick Cage Movie, not trying to test my mental pain tolerance. Seriously, I want to cry. I will never get those 2 hours of my life back. I feel cheated out of time that would have otherwise been wasted anyway.
First of all, this movie was loaded chock full of stuff that I like. I like motorcycles. I like comic book/superhero movies as a general rule, especially the ones starring heroes that are a little bit bad. I like motorcycles. I like fire. I like motorcycles. Sometimes I like Nicholas Cage. I like Eva Mendes.
Oh yeah, Eva Mendes. Good times.
...
Anyway, Ghost Rider. I just don't know what to say. Somehow they took all that rad stuff and put it together into something terrible that I would like to light on fire and then pee on, but not until it's good and burned up, because otherwise it would just be a little bit charred and peed on, whereas my goal would be total eradication by fire. Plus, pee.
The whole time, I was hoping that all this badness was leading up to some sudden climax of awesomeness that would snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, but no, it ended up just a collection of nonsense plot points in between some nonsense fight scenes and a bunch of shit on fire.
I know I should be giving concrete examples instead of just saying it's bad in a lot of different ways, so I will, because I can imagine my English teacher telling me to, not that I paid a lot of attention to anything in that class except her hilarious British accent.
When our hero Johnny Blaze: Stunt Motorcyclist first turns into the Ghost Rider, he tears ass through town as a flaming skeleton on a flaming motorcycle, going so fast that everything near his path is lit on fire, thrown into the air, melted, or exploded by the shock wave. Then he kills a mugger, which is not at all relevant to my point. The next morning, the cops arrive to find a trail of destruction that could only be laid by a very angry atomic fire tornado earthquake. At the sight of this level of catastrophic wreckage, any normal human would be immediately rending their clothing and wondering where they might locate some sackcloth, ashes, and maybe some virgins to appease what is obviously a very very angry God, or possibly Chuck Norris. Instead, the investigating officer's response seems to be Huh. Looks like the town was laid to waste by some sort of unspeakably violent supernatural power...Hey look, a license plate. I bet it was that guy who jumps motorcycles over stuff! Whew, that was a tough one! So, apple fritter or bear claw?
And it actually gets stupider from that point on, I kid you not. The specifics would make you annoyed, and probably a little bit stupider.
But it's all worth it in the end if I manage to prevent you from letting this movie kick your brain right in the balls. That's my public service to the world, and you're welcome. All I ask is that you use your turn signals once in a while, jackass. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
First of all, this movie was loaded chock full of stuff that I like. I like motorcycles. I like comic book/superhero movies as a general rule, especially the ones starring heroes that are a little bit bad. I like motorcycles. I like fire. I like motorcycles. Sometimes I like Nicholas Cage. I like Eva Mendes.
Oh yeah, Eva Mendes. Good times.
...
Anyway, Ghost Rider. I just don't know what to say. Somehow they took all that rad stuff and put it together into something terrible that I would like to light on fire and then pee on, but not until it's good and burned up, because otherwise it would just be a little bit charred and peed on, whereas my goal would be total eradication by fire. Plus, pee.
The whole time, I was hoping that all this badness was leading up to some sudden climax of awesomeness that would snatch victory from the jaws of defeat, but no, it ended up just a collection of nonsense plot points in between some nonsense fight scenes and a bunch of shit on fire.
I know I should be giving concrete examples instead of just saying it's bad in a lot of different ways, so I will, because I can imagine my English teacher telling me to, not that I paid a lot of attention to anything in that class except her hilarious British accent.
When our hero Johnny Blaze: Stunt Motorcyclist first turns into the Ghost Rider, he tears ass through town as a flaming skeleton on a flaming motorcycle, going so fast that everything near his path is lit on fire, thrown into the air, melted, or exploded by the shock wave. Then he kills a mugger, which is not at all relevant to my point. The next morning, the cops arrive to find a trail of destruction that could only be laid by a very angry atomic fire tornado earthquake. At the sight of this level of catastrophic wreckage, any normal human would be immediately rending their clothing and wondering where they might locate some sackcloth, ashes, and maybe some virgins to appease what is obviously a very very angry God, or possibly Chuck Norris. Instead, the investigating officer's response seems to be Huh. Looks like the town was laid to waste by some sort of unspeakably violent supernatural power...Hey look, a license plate. I bet it was that guy who jumps motorcycles over stuff! Whew, that was a tough one! So, apple fritter or bear claw?
And it actually gets stupider from that point on, I kid you not. The specifics would make you annoyed, and probably a little bit stupider.
But it's all worth it in the end if I manage to prevent you from letting this movie kick your brain right in the balls. That's my public service to the world, and you're welcome. All I ask is that you use your turn signals once in a while, jackass. Is that too much to ask? Is it?
Labels: review
posted by Nate Falls at
05:48
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