Nate Gets Drunk and Gives Profanity-Laced Advice About OKCupid.com Profiles
Once upon a time, there was an Internet dating site known as OKCupid.com, where people put up profiles, mostly awful ones, with the purpose of attracting members of the opposite sex. What these people planned to do at that point, is none of my damned business, but the sheer awfulness of some of these profiles really got to me. I'll be the first to admit that I know precisely dick about women, but dammit, I wanted to help anyway.
One day, on an Internet forum, I found a thread where people shared links to their respective depressing dating profiles, and gave each other online dating advice. I made an offer to give profiles a thorough going-through and give whatever advice I could come up with, as long as I was allowed to share it all here.
During none of this process, I vowed, would I be sober.
The first request arrived thus, from a man called Charninja:
For the record, I prefer a 2009 Evan Williams. Whiskey's supposed to hurt a little.
First, standard picture advice:
Pictures of you with people, doing things. You have 3 pictures, and every single one shows not a single other person within 30 yards of you. That is a fucking problem, because this is what a lot of people look at first. You look like a solitary-ass motherfucker, and that's killing you. I look at 3 pictures of a dude who's all by himfuckingself, and in the back of my mind, I have already decided that this is a dude whom no one wants to hang out with. I could get into references to scientific studies, but fuck that--point is, we all subconsciously gravitate toward people who clearly already have lots of friends, and avoid people who do not, and your pictures are all saying "I am a dude whom no one is willing to stand next to long enough to take a picture", and that is fucking internet dating profile poison. If you have no activities in your life that involve other people in some context that could theoretically be photographed, then you are doing it wrong, and you need to go find some of those activities and do them, period, no excuses. Join a local kickball league or a hiking group, or go to a free rock & roll show, and once you're there and having a good fucking time being social, hand your camera to someone and they'll fucking figure it out.
The self-summary is the first shit they read. It should immediately start out introducing you, your interesting positive personal characteristics, your quirks, your passions, the things that set you apart. You are not your university, and you are not your degree, and don't explain your username to us. Just delete this bit.
What scene? Check what stuff out? I don't even know what that means. Fucking delete it.
See? Now we're getting into stuff that starts to give us an idea of who you are and what you're into. Make this your first paragraph. The stuff I bolded sounds like you're apologizing for liking gaming. Don't do that. If gaming is something that really is important to you and your life, mention it and let it fucking stand without apology or excuse or some shit about pink unicorns. Alternately, if your first instinct is to mention gaming like it's a personal fault that has to be compensated for, that means you know deep down that it is, and maybe you should take that realization and use it as a starting point for a meaningful conversation with yourself about whether or not gaming is something that's a positive force in your life, and how much your Xbox could fetch on Ebay.
General rule of thumb: there should be nothing negative in this profile. What you do, what you are, what you like, rather what you aren't, and what you don't do, and what you don't like. This entire paragraph is basically you talking about how you hate nature and hiking, and it fucking sucks. I don't fucking like clowns, but I'm not bringing it up in my dating profile.
I don't know what this is supposed to mean. Neither does the reader. Congratulations, you just compared your dating potential to that of an inanimate object.
That's probably not going to bring them running.
I'm just sayin'.
...that it's stupid.
This is another paragraph about what you're not. It doesn't really say anything or mean anything. Drop it.
I'm getting a very "I'm a nice guy" sort of vibe, and it's a little creepy. Also: Marquess of Queensburry? Really? No. Also, it's "Queensberry", if you were using it, which you're not.
This is textbook niceguy doormat pussy. I'm not going to get into it. Just, don't.
Also, for the record, movies are fucking awful for the purpose of initial dating. It's 2 hours in a dark room with no conversation, when you should have picked an activity that involved actually getting to know your date, which is the fucking point of dating.
This all crap about what kind of date you might maybe get around to taking a girl on. You're getting way, way ahead of yourself here, and it's pretty much irrelevant to the point of your self-summary, which is summarizing yourself. Also, anything about "we" sounds like you're already assuming you and the reader are going out on a date, which feels kind of creepy and way ahead of yourself, and gives me the fuckin' heebies. Just...lose that whole bit.
Translation:
"I'm poor. But haha, fuck poli-sci and communications majors." You see what you did there? You've managed to deprecate both yourself and poli-sci/communications majors. She might be a communications major. Or maybe someone she loves is. And you just insulted them, Restaurant Management guy. Good going.
Delete it.
Your entire summary of what you're making of yourself consists of:
1) "this place, where I'm living? And where you're living? Yeah, fuck it. I'm gonna leave it. And you."
2) "...except I don't have any money, so I can't. Yet."
3) some incoherent shit about the forum that no one cares about.
That's cool. Keep it. Expand on it. Give us specifics. Adjectives. Tell us about your Coq au vin or fucking something. An ability to cook, and a passion for cooking, can be your hook, if it's really there. Tell us about something you're fucking amazing at. It's so good, your neighbors keep coming over and demanding to have some. You have to have a cigarette after eating it. And it's never exactly the same twice; you feel some sense of loss that the one you just made, you'll never get again, but you press on, knowing the next time it'll be something amazing; something new; something that will bring a tear to your fucking eye, it's just so fucking good.
I don't fucking know. I'm drunk. But give us something.
Enjoying sci-fi is not a skill, it's not something you can be good at, and they fucking ask you about your reading preferences like 2 sections down from here.
Blah, blah, I'm super open-minded and respect everyone's points of view. Whatever. Not really a skill either. I'd drop it.
That's...nothing spectacular, but there's nothing negative or particularly lame in it. Fine, leave it as is.
"I like all kinds of music" is lame and cliche and everyone says it and it's generally not really true anyway, and it doesn't matter because it's uninteresting to the max. Just list a few examples that give us an idea of the kind of rock music you usually like, and fuckin' move on, because everyone skims over this bit anyway except gaywads whose lives revolve entirely around a particular kind of music, and for the purpose of this conversation, fuck those guys.
Nothing particularly interesting, nothing particularly repelling. It's hard to really make this bit into anything interesting, so I'd leave it as is.
1) "the anti-douchebag" is a phrase used solely by "nice guys" who are frustrated that being a doormat is failing to get them laid. So I'd avoid using it.
2) There's a reason why it's called "concealed carry". It's because you're supposed to keep it on the down low, Dirty Fucking Harry. She doesn't know you yet, man. Broadcasting that shit is just going to make her nervous. Every single girl in Arizona, given the choice between going out with Unknown Dude and Unknown Dude Who's Packing Heat, is going to pick the less terrifying option every time, which is the dude who's not got a literal firearm in his pants.
So go get to work on that thing, big scary dude with guns.
How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.
And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.
One day, on an Internet forum, I found a thread where people shared links to their respective depressing dating profiles, and gave each other online dating advice. I made an offer to give profiles a thorough going-through and give whatever advice I could come up with, as long as I was allowed to share it all here.
During none of this process, I vowed, would I be sober.
The first request arrived thus, from a man called Charninja:
Nate, you are my last hope! One of my ninja sex bots will deliver a bottle of 1958 Glen Garioch upon reception of your advice. Do what you will with the bot.
http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Exec_Chef
For the record, I prefer a 2009 Evan Williams. Whiskey's supposed to hurt a little.
First, standard picture advice:
Pictures of you with people, doing things. You have 3 pictures, and every single one shows not a single other person within 30 yards of you. That is a fucking problem, because this is what a lot of people look at first. You look like a solitary-ass motherfucker, and that's killing you. I look at 3 pictures of a dude who's all by himfuckingself, and in the back of my mind, I have already decided that this is a dude whom no one wants to hang out with. I could get into references to scientific studies, but fuck that--point is, we all subconsciously gravitate toward people who clearly already have lots of friends, and avoid people who do not, and your pictures are all saying "I am a dude whom no one is willing to stand next to long enough to take a picture", and that is fucking internet dating profile poison. If you have no activities in your life that involve other people in some context that could theoretically be photographed, then you are doing it wrong, and you need to go find some of those activities and do them, period, no excuses. Join a local kickball league or a hiking group, or go to a free rock & roll show, and once you're there and having a good fucking time being social, hand your camera to someone and they'll fucking figure it out.
My Self-Summary:
I am a graduate of NAU, with a degree in Hotel and Restaurant Management (hence the nic).
The self-summary is the first shit they read. It should immediately start out introducing you, your interesting positive personal characteristics, your quirks, your passions, the things that set you apart. You are not your university, and you are not your degree, and don't explain your username to us. Just delete this bit.
Little new to the scene, but I am more than happy to check stuff out.
What scene? Check what stuff out? I don't even know what that means. Fucking delete it.
I love hard rock, good food, the occasional pint, and gaming. I know it's such a chick magnet, but eh, let me have my Wii and I'll let you have your pink unicorn bumper-sticker.
See? Now we're getting into stuff that starts to give us an idea of who you are and what you're into. Make this your first paragraph. The stuff I bolded sounds like you're apologizing for liking gaming. Don't do that. If gaming is something that really is important to you and your life, mention it and let it fucking stand without apology or excuse or some shit about pink unicorns. Alternately, if your first instinct is to mention gaming like it's a personal fault that has to be compensated for, that means you know deep down that it is, and maybe you should take that realization and use it as a starting point for a meaningful conversation with yourself about whether or not gaming is something that's a positive force in your life, and how much your Xbox could fetch on Ebay.
I'm not the super outdoorsy type. I generally prefer kicking back with a book or watching tv, or surfing the net. People say going out for a hike never killed anyone, but they clearly haven't seen the statistics. I can appreciate nature, but when it comes to the hippie tree-huggers, bring on the chainsaws and the bulldozers. That's kinda how I am in life as well.
General rule of thumb: there should be nothing negative in this profile. What you do, what you are, what you like, rather what you aren't, and what you don't do, and what you don't like. This entire paragraph is basically you talking about how you hate nature and hiking, and it fucking sucks. I don't fucking like clowns, but I'm not bringing it up in my dating profile.
As far as being a romantic partner is concerned, I am more or less the Rock of Gibraltar.
I don't know what this is supposed to mean. Neither does the reader. Congratulations, you just compared your dating potential to that of an inanimate object.
That's probably not going to bring them running.
I'm just sayin'.
...that it's stupid.
I'm not the crazy, zany type, though I'm certainly capable of putting on a good show like one. I figure that the most individualistic thing I can do, instead of going goth or emo, is to simply do as I please.
This is another paragraph about what you're not. It doesn't really say anything or mean anything. Drop it.
I guess I should also say that I'm kind of an old school guy, way big on chivalry, ya know? The sort that throws my coat over a puddle, opens doors, pulls out seats, and fights off muggers using Marquess of Queensburry rules (where applicable, anyway)
I'm getting a very "I'm a nice guy" sort of vibe, and it's a little creepy. Also: Marquess of Queensburry? Really? No. Also, it's "Queensberry", if you were using it, which you're not.
I love to take a girl to the movies her choice of course)
This is textbook niceguy doormat pussy. I'm not going to get into it. Just, don't.
Also, for the record, movies are fucking awful for the purpose of initial dating. It's 2 hours in a dark room with no conversation, when you should have picked an activity that involved actually getting to know your date, which is the fucking point of dating.
and dinner out is always good for getting to know a person. I find that bars seem counter-intuitive for initially getting to know a person, due to the to intentionally loud music playing, but I am always open to ideas. I am also an avid shooter, so should anybody be up for that, it would be totally awesome too, whether we are romantically involved or not. Of course, I'm certainly up to trying just about anything.
This all crap about what kind of date you might maybe get around to taking a girl on. You're getting way, way ahead of yourself here, and it's pretty much irrelevant to the point of your self-summary, which is summarizing yourself. Also, anything about "we" sounds like you're already assuming you and the reader are going out on a date, which feels kind of creepy and way ahead of yourself, and gives me the fuckin' heebies. Just...lose that whole bit.
I've taken what is technically a business major, and while I don't have much money, I do know how to take care of it, or at least better than your average poli-sci or communications major.
Not that it would take much.
Translation:
"I'm poor. But haha, fuck poli-sci and communications majors." You see what you did there? You've managed to deprecate both yourself and poli-sci/communications majors. She might be a communications major. Or maybe someone she loves is. And you just insulted them, Restaurant Management guy. Good going.
Delete it.
What I’m doing with my life:
Right now, I am on the great Job Hunt. I'd had plans for moving to Phoenix, but it looks like I'm gonna have to earn/save a bit of money before I can move on. Ces't la vie.
Oh, but right now during off time, I do make the occasional crude comment on the forums. Work hard, play lazy, people.
Your entire summary of what you're making of yourself consists of:
1) "this place, where I'm living? And where you're living? Yeah, fuck it. I'm gonna leave it. And you."
2) "...except I don't have any money, so I can't. Yet."
3) some incoherent shit about the forum that no one cares about.
I’m really good at
Cooking is definitely one of my highest talents. I'm best with French, Italian, and traditional American cuisine, but give me a recipe and I can make anything.
That's cool. Keep it. Expand on it. Give us specifics. Adjectives. Tell us about your Coq au vin or fucking something. An ability to cook, and a passion for cooking, can be your hook, if it's really there. Tell us about something you're fucking amazing at. It's so good, your neighbors keep coming over and demanding to have some. You have to have a cigarette after eating it. And it's never exactly the same twice; you feel some sense of loss that the one you just made, you'll never get again, but you press on, knowing the next time it'll be something amazing; something new; something that will bring a tear to your fucking eye, it's just so fucking good.
I don't fucking know. I'm drunk. But give us something.
Reading is another passion of mine. I tend towards the comedic, but am quite comfortable with horror, sci-fi, and nonfiction. I'm a big, big fan of Terry Pratchett, and if you have never heard of him, go get something of his now, before his Alzheimer's really begins to kick in and we lose one of the best authors of the last 30+ years. Neil Gaiman is also one of the greats, as far as I am concerned.
Enjoying sci-fi is not a skill, it's not something you can be good at, and they fucking ask you about your reading preferences like 2 sections down from here.
I'm really good at seeing the merits and disadvantages of any viewpoint and will respect those of other people, so long they don't attempt to force those opinions on others. However, I have my own opinions and my own conclusions. By all means, I love a good debate, but everybody (worth talking to) knows it takes more than a flame war to change anyone's opinion.
Blah, blah, I'm super open-minded and respect everyone's points of view. Whatever. Not really a skill either. I'd drop it.
The first thing(s) people usually notice about me:
I'm rather a big guy, so it's kinda hard to miss me. The beard is also a defining physical characteristic. There's also the good, strong bass voice. I'm the next Barry White, baby.
That's...nothing spectacular, but there's nothing negative or particularly lame in it. Fine, leave it as is.
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Discworld, Kung Fu Hustle, Rock, and BBQ
I say I like rock music, but that's just the most prevalent easily identifiable genre in my play list. Eclectic would be the best way to describe it, really. I have everything from Moonlight Sonata to the Mortal Kombat theme. Not much for rap, but I can appreciate good music in any form.
"I like all kinds of music" is lame and cliche and everyone says it and it's generally not really true anyway, and it doesn't matter because it's uninteresting to the max. Just list a few examples that give us an idea of the kind of rock music you usually like, and fuckin' move on, because everyone skims over this bit anyway except gaywads whose lives revolve entirely around a particular kind of music, and for the purpose of this conversation, fuck those guys.
The six things I could never do without
My sanity, my independence, books, the internet, humor, and the consumerist lifestyle.
Nothing particularly interesting, nothing particularly repelling. It's hard to really make this bit into anything interesting, so I'd leave it as is.
You should message me if:
You want to meet the anti-douchebag, and you aren't freaked out by a guy with a license to carry a concealed weapon.
1) "the anti-douchebag" is a phrase used solely by "nice guys" who are frustrated that being a doormat is failing to get them laid. So I'd avoid using it.
2) There's a reason why it's called "concealed carry". It's because you're supposed to keep it on the down low, Dirty Fucking Harry. She doesn't know you yet, man. Broadcasting that shit is just going to make her nervous. Every single girl in Arizona, given the choice between going out with Unknown Dude and Unknown Dude Who's Packing Heat, is going to pick the less terrifying option every time, which is the dude who's not got a literal firearm in his pants.
So go get to work on that thing, big scary dude with guns.
How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.
And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.
Labels: drunk, love advice
posted by Nate Falls at
23:34
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