I'm Drunk and Your OKCupid Sucks: Screw You, Pretty Boy

So I got an email from this guy asking me to review his OKCupid profile, and I really don't want to, because he's better looking than I am. But this is my calling, sisyphean as it may be, so I don't really have a choice in the matter.

PHOTOS, first of all:
Photos are good, if not particularly plentiful. You're smiling, you're doing stuff with people, and you're not illluminated by the glow of your computer monitor, so kudos.

On the other hand, you're way too good looking, so fuck you. It's not a thing you have to change, I'm just sayin'.

Jerkoff.

PROFILE

My Self-Summary:
I am tall as the dickens and quick as a jackrabbit. I work in a laboratory but I try hard not to do evil (on the premises). I liked to read books with a flashlight after dark and my eyesight suffered. Once I cut my nose shaving. I think science is pretty cool I guess.

Great, you're tall too. Thanks for rubbing it in, you son of a bitch.

The summary is a little short, to be honest. I know you're tall, sexy, and do sciency shit, but not much else. For your average girl, that might be enough, but you're blue-eyed, 6'2", and live in NY, so you're probably aiming a little higher than that, so I'd give us something more, something about what makes you unique, and not just a tall, really good-looking scientist, you bastard.

What I’m doing with my life:
Living it up in NYC, city so nice they named it twice: stumbling into dives on the weekends and then waking up on the subway halfway to Coney Island. Also working, socializing, or doing Yoga. Sometimes all at once. Mostly working on applications for grad school at the moment, which is pretty exciting.

I can't take issue with anything there. You sound like a pretty well-rounded, sociable, party-loving kind of dude. I hope you get punched in the face.

I’m really good at:
The usual man stuff-taking stuff off high shelves, stuck jars, fixing things that may not have been really broken in the first place. I usually do the dishes but I can make a number of excellent entrees and desserts. I'll occasionally notice when you've done something with your hair/shoes.

No, yeah, this is all solid stuff, with a subtle humor to it that gives the reader a taste of your personality. An ability to cook is dating gold, but I'm sure you know all about that, as you're probably sleeping under a blanket made entirely of live fashion models.

The first things people usually notice about me:
Tallish, and blue eyed which led to one reasonably memorable encounter: A probably crazy lady yelled at me, "YOU MAY HAVE BLUE EYES BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU BRAD PITT!" Pretty entertaining wait for the subway actually.

(And thats just like, your opinion lady.)

I love how the worst thing she could come up with was that you're not Brad Pitt. Yeah, that'll put you in your place. No, I can't think of any better putdowns. Yes, I hate you for it.

Yeah, the stuff you write there is just fine.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
I'll read anything I can on public transit including but not limited to The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, The Corrections, Everything is Illuminated, Watchmen, The Name of The Rose (very fun read once you get past the first 80 pages or so), I really like Thomas Pynchon's stuff but I can't ever explain what's going on in them.

I like watching movies, I don't think I've ever left one in the middle but some of my recent or older favorites would be Alien, Sideways, Up, Oldboy, In Bruges, Drag Me To Hell, and The Wrestler.

Most of my music these days comes from listening to KEXP (91.3 in NY till 12, then I'll switch to NPR), Gogol Bordello is awesome and they do pretty much the most amazing live show I've ever seen except maybe for Radiohead. Also Airborne Toxic Event, Animal Coolective, The Bird and the Bee, Bon Iver, Elliott Brood, Firewater, Fleet Foxes, Balkan Beat Box, The Decemberists, Neutral Milk Hotel, and pretty much any alt/rock/pop/punk that tickles me.

Oh I've also got really into True Blood lately. It's like I've drawn a line in a sand right past that show and up to that line I think vampires are awesome, BUT NO FURTHER. I did the same thing with Buffy back in the day.

I think garlic bread and lasanga's pretty much the best possible meal but when I go out my favorite is Indian food. I do not know why this is the case. OH DANG I realized a little while back that all my tomato plants got the blight and it really sucks.

I'd love to tell you you're a wordy jerkoff and you put too much stuff there, but you explained your choices in a way that makes them way more interesting then just a wall of text bunch of bullshit lists, like most of the other idiots usually put there.

The six things I could never do without:
1. Floss, brushing can keep your breath smelling good but real dental hygiene takes more work then that.

2. Something to read, I've studied nutritional information on discarded soda cans at times though I may have been uh impaired.

3. Sunglasses to remove dramatically. Replace that with a scarf to flutter in the wind once it gets colder.

4. Oxygen

5. My family awwww

6. Yoga classes-I have an awesome studio and I can't seem to get up and do it on my own. Unless I'm drunk, at which point I get hilariously suggestible (Stand on my head? NO PROBLEM!)

Good. Some true stuff, some amusing, probably true stuff that's explained in a way that portrays you as a fun-loving sort of fellow in addition to tall and sexy. Keep it as is, as long as you don't mind that none of the other poor bastards in NYC are going to get laid now, because of you.

I spend a lot of time thinking about:
Graduate school! What are they, and where do they come from?

The possibility that I traveled back in time to ~1944 and joined the navy. Seriously! Well no actually not seriously, but there's this one bar that makes me wonder...

I...don't really know what that means, but it makes me want to go out with you so I can ask about it, so that's probably good.

On a typical Friday night I am:
Drinking, laughing, rocking out and wandering around usually in about that order. Occasionally I wake up in Coney Island and that is much less fun.

All good stuff. Die in a fire.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here:
In my work to date I've killed roughly 2000+ mice. It's for a good cause but I feel guilty every time.

Holy balls. That's kind of a downer. Don't get me wrong, I hate mice; had two of them infesting my apartment once and I would have waterboarded their babies if that's what it took to stop them from eating my lentils and shitting behind the couch, but 2000+ mice still makes me go whoah, dang. I'd uh, save any mention of the Mouse Holocaust until after the first date at least.

You should message me if:
Well if you're in PETA we probably won't get along that well. Otherwise if you're into meandering occasionally pointless discussions, finding cool new places and getting blotto in them, drop us a line.

Other than probably needing your rodent murdering to explain the PETA comment, this is all perfectly cromulent stuff.

So go get 'em, tiger. Just leave some chicks for the rest of us, okay dude? Seriously, screw you. My only comfort is that I live 3000 miles away from you and I'm hung like the Disneyland Monorail, and I'm still a little depressed anyway.

---

How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.

I'm Drunk and Your OkCupid Sucks: Poo Biscuit? What?

A plea for help from a man who calls himself Poobiscuit. What the hell, man:

Well, I've uploaded some new pictures (including those with other people!), so break open your booze and tell me what you think.

Pictures:
Immediate impression:
Your pictures are fucking TINY. Like, smaller than the profile page thumbnailed version. What the fuck, dude. My cellphone takes pictures bigger and clearer than those. Rectify that, asap. I can't even tell what your fuckin' face looks like. Also, I'm not sure most girls will respond well to The Shocker, once that picture is big enough that someone can actually recognize it. For the record, I love costume party pictures. It's nearly impossible to take a boring picture at a costume party, so fuckin' kudos on those.

I am the best, relaxed, and weird.

"Weird" is probably not an adjective you want to apply to yourself. "Weird" is the guy in the corner who eats paste, or the pudgy guy who insists on wearing an Indiana Jones hat everywhere. Don't ever be that fuckin' dude. Be something else.

My Self-Summary:
I just graduated from Northern Illinois University. Some of my favorite activities include sitting around, drinking, watching movies and/or TV, and playing the not study game. I also partake in sarcastically ripping on stuff, but in a joking and jovial manner. I get along with people with a great sense of humor.

I enjoy going to see rock shows, generally of the "small place featuring band no one's heard of" variety; any mosh pits are a plus. I'm a fan of going to some bars, though nothing that would be considered "upscale." Hell, what most would call "dives," I would call "Places of Interest." I prefer smaller, more intimate venues, where conversation can flow without the need to yell. I also like staying in, and enjoying beer and a movie, especially when it's cold out.

I'm looking for someone who enjoys hanging out, whether it be at home or out at a show. Also, it helps if they like beer; beer is awesome.

"Hanging out", isn't an activity. It's literally a lack of activity. Quadriplegics do it constantly. There's nothing wrong with it, but it's basically the most boring activity you could talk about engaging in. Ditto for "sitting around". "Watching tv/movies" isn't much better, as it's a passive activity rather than something that could tell us something about you. Might as well tell us about how much you like breathing and sleeping for all the good those will be doing you. Tell us all about your hobbies of maintaining your body's temperature and being subject to gravity.

Rock shows, on the other hand, are awesome and everyone who doesn't suck knows it. That middle paragraph is great. If you can expand on that, maybe with a few specifics, go crazy. Anyone who doesn't like live music is a stupid bitch and you don't need her anyway.

What I’m doing with my life:
Searching for jobs in an interactive marketing field. I'm sending out applications more or less daily, and hoping the economy stops sucking so I get hired.

I'm also trying not to have let the Cubs give me a heart attack, but I'm not optimistic on that front.

What I read: "Boo hoo, the economy is in the shitter and my favorite baseball team is a bunch of useless dildos."
Make the first bit a little less negative: "sending out applications daily to score a job in my field despite the economy", or some such. Make the shit job market an opportunity to show that you can be upbeat and ambitious despite difficult conditions. Everyone loves the plucky, hustling underdog, because he's got heart, and he's got balls.

Sorry your team fucking sucks. I'm sure she can sympathize on that front, so go ahead and leave it. Bond with her over your shared sports tragedy.

I’m really good at:
-making witty remarks; I love to pop a good zinger following good set-ups.

-remembering random sports trivia. I don't know why I'm good at this, but I am.

-kicking ass. Because someone has to be.

Everyone loves a witty son of a bitch, but it's a lot like telling people you're funny: show me, don't tell me, that you're a witty mofo. The rest is not particularly stand-out, but it isn't going to send anyone running. For the record, in person, on a date with a non-sports-fan, sports trivia is the dullest fuckin' thing you could possibly talk about. I figure you know that, but I'm just making sure, because, well, Internet.

The first things people usually notice about me
From a personality standpoint: my sarcastic replies, and my "high-falutin'" way of talking.

From a physical standpoint: my gangliness.

high-falutin'? Really? I'm not 100% sure what you're saying here, but if you ever try to chat up a girl and say something that brings to mind a top-hat and monocle, I will find out and I will slap you, because that is some goony, chick repellent bullshit. Insisting on using ten-dollar SAT words is just as bad. You're witty, right? Remember, brevity is the soul of wit, so be brief.

If that's not what you meant by "high-falutin'", for the love of God, keep it that way.

Also, there has to be a better adjective for your body than "gangly". Are you tall? Say that. Find something positive to say about your Ichabod Crane physique.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Books: Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy, Good Omens, Batman comics, Pearls Before Swine

Movies: Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, V For Vendetta, Hot Fuzz, Superbad, Slingblade, Blazing Saddles, Alien, Aliens, Predator, Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs

Music: Metallica, Pantera, System Of A Down, Rage Against The Machine, Megadeth, Dethklok

TV: Arrested Development, The Venture Bros., Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law, Scrubs, South Park

Good. A few items per category, no wall of text, Dethklok rules.

The six things I could never do without:
1. Comedy; 2. Robots; 3. Beer; 4. Sweets; 5. Video Games; 6. The Devil's music

Good, varied list. Probably true without being boring, not the same stupid shit everyone else lists. I am angry that I can't find something angry to say about this, so fuck you.

On a typical Friday night I am
inviting the gang over for a night of drinks and video games (Mario Kart and Smash Bros. being the usual games of choice). Sometimes I mix it up by heading to another's place for the same stuff at a different venue. I'm also up for concerts, bars, and movies.

"at home playing video games" probably isn't the sexiest thing you could have answered with, but you've got it sounding like a social activity, with friends and drinking. "Demented and sad, but social", as the late John Hughes put it. I'd probably have less details about exactly what games were getting played, but that's because I'm 30 years old guy and slightly ashamed of sometimes liking video games, so that's entirely your choice. It's no biggie either way.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I have no qualms about watching children's cartoons.

Not a bad confession. Anyone who seriously gives you shit for liking cartoons is probably a stupid ho, and you can tell her Nate said so.

You should message me if:
you're cool, and want to meet someone like yourself.

Pretty standard, not really all that interesting. If she's gotten this far and likes what she sees, it's not going to dissuade her, but I think it's a sqaundered opportunity to actually give her a reason to talk to you. Here are a bunch of the things I have suggested for this section, in the past. Most of them probably don't apply to you, but you get the idea:

You should message me if:
If you want to pit your robots against mine in a battle to the death.
If you wanna talk about space and shit.
If you wanna let me perform a 1-man raid on your dungeon.
if you change your mind, I'm the first in line. Honey I'm still free; take a chance on me.
If you need me, let me know, gonna be around.
If you've got no place to go, if you're feeling down.
If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown.
If you think you can beat me at drunken Scrabble
If you're a terrible bowler, like me, but you don't care, like me.
If you don't think a man in a cowboy hat can make a baked ziti.
If you believe in fairies.
If you kick ass, figuratively or otherwise.

You can do anything with it. Suggest date activities, tell the reader what kind of lady you're looking for, quote ABBA. Sky's the limit.

---

How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.

I'm Drunk and Your OkCupid Sucks: Benny B is Fuckin' Funny

A man known as Benny B emails, asking for advice:

Your liver is going to be left in shambles after all these, Nate.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/RodFunmuscle/

Do mine first, you owe me after begrudgingly I teamed up with you to help defeat the Joker and Lex Luthor.

Little inside joke there from Benny, as my own OKCupid profile repeatedly claims that I'm actually Batman.

So.

Pictures: Good choice for the first one, I think. It's blurry and whatnot, but you look pimp as hell in that getup. Wear that shit more often, 'cause it's awesome. I'd say you could definitely use more pictures of you with friends, ideally ones where you aren't making kind of a retarded face, like you are in that last one. Unless you're actually retarded, in which case you have done an excellent job hiding it in those first 3 pics.

Self-summary:
Not bad starting out, I guess. It's probably good that you explain your username, because it sounded like some sort of reference to your dick, and it was making me a little uncomfortable.

I don't lie to friends.

I'm not sure that really belongs. People could misconstrue it as some kind of weird bitterness over someone else, like if your profile said "I'm not a dirty lying whore who accidentally sleeps with entire football teams, and also has turbo syphilis." or some such thing. Either way, it sounds kind of negative, so I'd toss it.

I like to think I'm a funny guy, though every dude who fills out one of these things probably thinks they are too. I have a couple credentials to back me up, though-- I've played at Acme Comedy Club and The Triple Rock Social Club. Plus all my friends totally tell me I'm, like, hilarious.

I think, considering that you've actually played at comedy clubs, that you can actually state that you're fuckin' hilarious without any wishy-washy bullshit like "I like to think", or "my friends tell me". I'd shorten it to something shorter and bolder, like:

I'm funny as hell. Every dude says that, I know, but for the record I've actually played at comedy clubs.
That's right ladies, I'm professionally funny.

...or whatever. My usual advice on saying that you're funny, though, is don't. It's like saying you're smart, or good looking: if you are, it will be immediately evident anyway, and if you're not, then saying so isn't going to fool anyone.

Also, for a guy who claims to be funny, your profile isn't funny at all. Not even a little. The best way to convince someone that you're funny is to be funny. If you claim in your self-summary that you're funny and then basically fail to even attempt humor in your profile, it comes off as a big ol' lie, and not even a good one. So in the end, I'd ditch any mention of being funny, and concentrate on actually being funny instead.

What I’m doing with my life:
I'm a graphic design student at Art Institutes International Minnesota. I'm going for my Bachelor's and have about 2 years left. It's going a bit slowly because I'm also working at a liquor store in Minnetonka. When I get the chance on Tuesday nights, I like to play guitar and sing at the open mic night at The Depot Coffee House. Open Mic at Acme Comedy Club on Mondays is another thing I like to go to, but I haven't played there lately.

It's a little dry. Not funny at all, but you knew that. Ditch the mention of how your job at a liquor store is making your bachelor's go slowly, unless there's some actual reason why you'd want to mention that (there isn't). You can leave the mention of open mic night at the comedy club in this part, because you're just mentioning it offhand, and not spending an entire paragraph pointlessly trying to convince us that you're funny.

I’m really good at:
Cheering people up, particularly those I care about. Also, I'm pretty damn good at making new people laugh. I don't know what it is, but when I meet a new group of people, I almost always get a good belly-laugh out of the whole lot.

I've also been told I give great hugs and greater back-rubs.

Can you please stop telling us that you're funny? I'd basically ditch this entire section, and replace it with something funny. And talking about how you give awesome backrubs comes off a little creepy.

The first things people usually notice about me:
My size. I'm a pretty big guy, and people have never been shy about asking me if I ever played football, or wrestled.

It's true, you're a big dude. That's fine and totally approp--

my sense of humor

FUCK.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:
Books: John Dies at the End, 300 Pages of Crap,The Hitchhiker's Guide books, The Hawkline Monster, Holes, Born Standing Up, John Dies at the End 2: John and Dave and the Temple of X'al'naa''thuthuthu.

Movies: In Bruges, The Big Lebowski, No Country For Old Men, Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Boondock Saints, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, The Dark Knight and tons more.

Music: Tom Waits, Tenacious D, Louis Armstrong, Mos Def, Johnny Cash, Charlie Parker, A Tribe Called Quest, Beastie Boys, Ween and dozens more.

Food: Sesame Beef from Dragon Jade, Grape Slushies from Sonic, Deep Dish Pepperoni from Davanni's.

This section is pretty much filler crap on everyone's profile, so, fuckin' whatever. I would, however, maybe replace some of those books with titles that normal people might recognize. If you can figure out some way to make this section funny, please do so.

The six things I could never do without:
My Friends
My Guitar
Music
A good pair of jeans
Some solid shoes
My wits

Pretty standard crap. Guitar is good, since as far as I know girls like musical dudes. The rest is pretty boring. Which is fine, unless you want to demonstrate some humor, which would be excellent.

The rest of it is all right. Not great, not funny, but inoffensive and not super painfully dull. Probably a lot of squandered chances to be funny, which you should rectify.

Awesome but irrelevant: under Similar Users, you have a dude named Butt_Reynolds, which is a sweet as hell name.

---

How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.

Nate Gets Drunk and Gives Profanity-Laced Advice About OKCupid.com Profiles

Once upon a time, there was an Internet dating site known as OKCupid.com, where people put up profiles, mostly awful ones, with the purpose of attracting members of the opposite sex. What these people planned to do at that point, is none of my damned business, but the sheer awfulness of some of these profiles really got to me. I'll be the first to admit that I know precisely dick about women, but dammit, I wanted to help anyway.

One day, on an Internet forum, I found a thread where people shared links to their respective depressing dating profiles, and gave each other online dating advice. I made an offer to give profiles a thorough going-through and give whatever advice I could come up with, as long as I was allowed to share it all here.

During none of this process, I vowed, would I be sober.

The first request arrived thus, from a man called Charninja:

Nate, you are my last hope! One of my ninja sex bots will deliver a bottle of 1958 Glen Garioch upon reception of your advice. Do what you will with the bot.

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Exec_Chef

For the record, I prefer a 2009 Evan Williams. Whiskey's supposed to hurt a little.

First, standard picture advice:
Pictures of you with people, doing things. You have 3 pictures, and every single one shows not a single other person within 30 yards of you. That is a fucking problem, because this is what a lot of people look at first. You look like a solitary-ass motherfucker, and that's killing you. I look at 3 pictures of a dude who's all by himfuckingself, and in the back of my mind, I have already decided that this is a dude whom no one wants to hang out with. I could get into references to scientific studies, but fuck that--point is, we all subconsciously gravitate toward people who clearly already have lots of friends, and avoid people who do not, and your pictures are all saying "I am a dude whom no one is willing to stand next to long enough to take a picture", and that is fucking internet dating profile poison. If you have no activities in your life that involve other people in some context that could theoretically be photographed, then you are doing it wrong, and you need to go find some of those activities and do them, period, no excuses. Join a local kickball league or a hiking group, or go to a free rock & roll show, and once you're there and having a good fucking time being social, hand your camera to someone and they'll fucking figure it out.

My Self-Summary:
I am a graduate of NAU, with a degree in Hotel and Restaurant Management (hence the nic).

The self-summary is the first shit they read. It should immediately start out introducing you, your interesting positive personal characteristics, your quirks, your passions, the things that set you apart. You are not your university, and you are not your degree, and don't explain your username to us. Just delete this bit.

Little new to the scene, but I am more than happy to check stuff out.

What scene? Check what stuff out? I don't even know what that means. Fucking delete it.

I love hard rock, good food, the occasional pint, and gaming. I know it's such a chick magnet, but eh, let me have my Wii and I'll let you have your pink unicorn bumper-sticker.

See? Now we're getting into stuff that starts to give us an idea of who you are and what you're into. Make this your first paragraph. The stuff I bolded sounds like you're apologizing for liking gaming. Don't do that. If gaming is something that really is important to you and your life, mention it and let it fucking stand without apology or excuse or some shit about pink unicorns. Alternately, if your first instinct is to mention gaming like it's a personal fault that has to be compensated for, that means you know deep down that it is, and maybe you should take that realization and use it as a starting point for a meaningful conversation with yourself about whether or not gaming is something that's a positive force in your life, and how much your Xbox could fetch on Ebay.

I'm not the super outdoorsy type. I generally prefer kicking back with a book or watching tv, or surfing the net. People say going out for a hike never killed anyone, but they clearly haven't seen the statistics. I can appreciate nature, but when it comes to the hippie tree-huggers, bring on the chainsaws and the bulldozers. That's kinda how I am in life as well.

General rule of thumb: there should be nothing negative in this profile. What you do, what you are, what you like, rather what you aren't, and what you don't do, and what you don't like. This entire paragraph is basically you talking about how you hate nature and hiking, and it fucking sucks. I don't fucking like clowns, but I'm not bringing it up in my dating profile.

As far as being a romantic partner is concerned, I am more or less the Rock of Gibraltar.

I don't know what this is supposed to mean. Neither does the reader. Congratulations, you just compared your dating potential to that of an inanimate object.

That's probably not going to bring them running.

I'm just sayin'.

...that it's stupid.

I'm not the crazy, zany type, though I'm certainly capable of putting on a good show like one. I figure that the most individualistic thing I can do, instead of going goth or emo, is to simply do as I please.

This is another paragraph about what you're not. It doesn't really say anything or mean anything. Drop it.

I guess I should also say that I'm kind of an old school guy, way big on chivalry, ya know? The sort that throws my coat over a puddle, opens doors, pulls out seats, and fights off muggers using Marquess of Queensburry rules (where applicable, anyway)

I'm getting a very "I'm a nice guy" sort of vibe, and it's a little creepy. Also: Marquess of Queensburry? Really? No. Also, it's "Queensberry", if you were using it, which you're not.

I love to take a girl to the movies her choice of course)

This is textbook niceguy doormat pussy. I'm not going to get into it. Just, don't.

Also, for the record, movies are fucking awful for the purpose of initial dating. It's 2 hours in a dark room with no conversation, when you should have picked an activity that involved actually getting to know your date, which is the fucking point of dating.

and dinner out is always good for getting to know a person. I find that bars seem counter-intuitive for initially getting to know a person, due to the to intentionally loud music playing, but I am always open to ideas. I am also an avid shooter, so should anybody be up for that, it would be totally awesome too, whether we are romantically involved or not. Of course, I'm certainly up to trying just about anything.

This all crap about what kind of date you might maybe get around to taking a girl on. You're getting way, way ahead of yourself here, and it's pretty much irrelevant to the point of your self-summary, which is summarizing yourself. Also, anything about "we" sounds like you're already assuming you and the reader are going out on a date, which feels kind of creepy and way ahead of yourself, and gives me the fuckin' heebies. Just...lose that whole bit.

I've taken what is technically a business major, and while I don't have much money, I do know how to take care of it, or at least better than your average poli-sci or communications major.

Not that it would take much.

Translation:
"I'm poor. But haha, fuck poli-sci and communications majors." You see what you did there? You've managed to deprecate both yourself and poli-sci/communications majors. She might be a communications major. Or maybe someone she loves is. And you just insulted them, Restaurant Management guy. Good going.
Delete it.

What I’m doing with my life:
Right now, I am on the great Job Hunt. I'd had plans for moving to Phoenix, but it looks like I'm gonna have to earn/save a bit of money before I can move on. Ces't la vie.

Oh, but right now during off time, I do make the occasional crude comment on the forums. Work hard, play lazy, people.

Your entire summary of what you're making of yourself consists of:
1) "this place, where I'm living? And where you're living? Yeah, fuck it. I'm gonna leave it. And you."
2) "...except I don't have any money, so I can't. Yet."
3) some incoherent shit about the forum that no one cares about.

I’m really good at
Cooking is definitely one of my highest talents. I'm best with French, Italian, and traditional American cuisine, but give me a recipe and I can make anything.

That's cool. Keep it. Expand on it. Give us specifics. Adjectives. Tell us about your Coq au vin or fucking something. An ability to cook, and a passion for cooking, can be your hook, if it's really there. Tell us about something you're fucking amazing at. It's so good, your neighbors keep coming over and demanding to have some. You have to have a cigarette after eating it. And it's never exactly the same twice; you feel some sense of loss that the one you just made, you'll never get again, but you press on, knowing the next time it'll be something amazing; something new; something that will bring a tear to your fucking eye, it's just so fucking good.

I don't fucking know. I'm drunk. But give us something.

Reading is another passion of mine. I tend towards the comedic, but am quite comfortable with horror, sci-fi, and nonfiction. I'm a big, big fan of Terry Pratchett, and if you have never heard of him, go get something of his now, before his Alzheimer's really begins to kick in and we lose one of the best authors of the last 30+ years. Neil Gaiman is also one of the greats, as far as I am concerned.

Enjoying sci-fi is not a skill, it's not something you can be good at, and they fucking ask you about your reading preferences like 2 sections down from here.

I'm really good at seeing the merits and disadvantages of any viewpoint and will respect those of other people, so long they don't attempt to force those opinions on others. However, I have my own opinions and my own conclusions. By all means, I love a good debate, but everybody (worth talking to) knows it takes more than a flame war to change anyone's opinion.

Blah, blah, I'm super open-minded and respect everyone's points of view. Whatever. Not really a skill either. I'd drop it.

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me:
I'm rather a big guy, so it's kinda hard to miss me. The beard is also a defining physical characteristic. There's also the good, strong bass voice. I'm the next Barry White, baby.

That's...nothing spectacular, but there's nothing negative or particularly lame in it. Fine, leave it as is.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Discworld, Kung Fu Hustle, Rock, and BBQ

I say I like rock music, but that's just the most prevalent easily identifiable genre in my play list. Eclectic would be the best way to describe it, really. I have everything from Moonlight Sonata to the Mortal Kombat theme. Not much for rap, but I can appreciate good music in any form.

"I like all kinds of music" is lame and cliche and everyone says it and it's generally not really true anyway, and it doesn't matter because it's uninteresting to the max. Just list a few examples that give us an idea of the kind of rock music you usually like, and fuckin' move on, because everyone skims over this bit anyway except gaywads whose lives revolve entirely around a particular kind of music, and for the purpose of this conversation, fuck those guys.

The six things I could never do without
My sanity, my independence, books, the internet, humor, and the consumerist lifestyle.

Nothing particularly interesting, nothing particularly repelling. It's hard to really make this bit into anything interesting, so I'd leave it as is.

You should message me if:
You want to meet the anti-douchebag, and you aren't freaked out by a guy with a license to carry a concealed weapon.

1) "the anti-douchebag" is a phrase used solely by "nice guys" who are frustrated that being a doormat is failing to get them laid. So I'd avoid using it.

2) There's a reason why it's called "concealed carry". It's because you're supposed to keep it on the down low, Dirty Fucking Harry. She doesn't know you yet, man. Broadcasting that shit is just going to make her nervous. Every single girl in Arizona, given the choice between going out with Unknown Dude and Unknown Dude Who's Packing Heat, is going to pick the less terrifying option every time, which is the dude who's not got a literal firearm in his pants.

So go get to work on that thing, big scary dude with guns.

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How about you, jerkoff? Got an OKCupid profile? Want me to tell you that it sucks, with a BAC well over the legal limit? Post a link to it in the comments or shoot me an email, and I'll get to it.

And here's all of my collected drunken love advice so far.