Holy Balls, Bill Cosby is Awesome

Old, but awesome.

Al Gore, Eat Your Heart Out

A young man desired to be greener
With regard to the use of his peener,
He's a sexual lion
Thanks to lithium ion
and his output is ten percent cleaner.

GREETINGS: a Stupid Letter I Wrote at Age 14 and Just Found in a Box

GREETINGS COMRADE UNIT

Salutations to you, Earthling Chum Unit Known as "Jason". I apologize for the delay in correspondence. I was engaged in time-consuming activities such as orally removing the extra growth of specially hardened skin cells from the extremities of my digits and engaging in a popular physical activity in which armor-clad members of an organized squad propel themselves in various directions in random formation in order to transport an air-filled fragment of bovine epidermis across a line located approximately 45.72 meters from the center axis dividing the playing field into two parts of equal area and to reduce as many similarly armor-clad members of the opposing squad as possible to masses of skin and fragments of fractured bone material with a consistency similar to that of chunky salsa.

I would prefer that the location of your current residence was in closer proximity to my dwelling area, in relation to its actual location, which is a desolate land mass known by its inhabitants as "Colorado". If it were so, more frequently would my sense organs make me conscious of your presence and the time period during which the approximate section of our planet on which we are located faces the star Sol more directly, resulting in increased atmosphere temperature and lengthening periods of physical inactivity, would exhibit heightened enjoyment for many individuals, including myself.

I am anxiously awaiting my arrival at an educational facility of a more heightened educational level than I was previously accustomed to experiencing. At this educational facility, I will be a component of a squad involved in the aforementioned popular physical activity.

I desire that the period that you will spend at your local educational knowledge acquiring facility is enjoyable, as will be the custom of the introducing of underclassmen to the stimulating realm of waste receptacles.

Your Companion On This Terrestrial Body,
The Earth Person Known as Nate

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER

-----

Yes, I was a huge nerd.  Thanks for noticing.

NATE GETS DRUNK AND REVIEWS THE MUMMY 3: CURSE OF SOMETHING SOMETHING EMPEROR

THE MUMMY 3 is fucking awful.

i sweat ro vishnu, this is some seriously bad shit, and i say taht as someone who has a deep love of awful cinemas. I'm about as runk as I get, and I'm almost to the end of this fuckiing thing,, and i want to punch someone for making me watch ths, AND I OWN COOL AS ICE.

I just watched Death Race,m and that was citizen mothyjerfucking kane compared to this horseshit.

So I'm pretty sure there's no generic adventure movie cliche that Mummy 3: The Fufking Goddamn Dragon Enmperor has no utilized.

Step one: really bad guy is really bad a long time ago, gets cursed with a curse that imprisons him forever, UNLESS SOMEONE HAPPENS O AWAKEN HIM, IN WHICH CASE HE IS NGH UNfuckingSTOPPABLE. You know, because we lost the page in the spellbook that contained the STAB HIM IN THE FUCKING FACE AND KILL HIM curse, whoich would have been a no brainer here.

Step 2: millenia later, archaeologist digs up statue emperor who has been ingeniously entombed, despite no one liking him when he was an asshole despot. Also, there is a seccret society dedicated to awakening asshole emperor for vague world domination purposes, naturally. And there's a super ninja trying to keep emperor unfound, and super ninja turns out, naturally, to be hot girl.

step 3: dude (brendan fraser) is brought out of retirement to transport fancy artifact because he's the fucking best or whatever, abd vbecause we couldn'yt think of a smarter way to justify Brendan Fraser's presence here, which makes no sense because the archaeologist who digs up the emperor is his son, except senor fraser is clerly not old enough to have a 20 something year old son, and also rachel weisz's character is played by some other bitch who is clearly not raches weisz and FUCK THAT, seriously, 'cause she totally humped that guy in enemy at the gates and that was HOT.

step 3: bad guys hve plan that is the most insanely complex, easily defeated thing ever. Find statuefied emperor, find one of a kind jewel artifact thingy which has to be unlocked with blood from someone with a pure heart or qwhatever, and contains the water of life or some fucking thing, and then pour water of life on the emperor to bring him back to life. They were even going to revive the wrong guy, but the good guy kicked it out of bad guy's hand, and it landed on some other petrified asshole, who turned out to be THE ACTUAL EMPEROR WHAT THE FUCK OH NO HE LIVES GODDAMMIT WHY WHY WHY NOOOOOO

step whatever: Emperor fuckface takes off imexplicably in chariot, prompting nonsense and totally unnecessary chase scene. he could have stuck aroudn and just killed everyone. Dude can control the elements with the his fucking mind, and also he's jet fucking li and so he could just straight up ninja stab all of our bumbling asshole protagonists and stroll out of there, no biggie. Now he has to take other priceless artifact to mystery shrine in himalayas and it will show him the way to shangri-la. Why? fuck you, I'll get to that. So he starts hauling ass there. Our heroes have to chse him there, and they know a pilot who's the best ever, and just crazy enough to try it. no stupid cliche there, no sirree, never heard anything like it.

Anyway, the good guys get there first, abnd somehow know exactly what the emperor's plan is--he has to stick stupid artifact thingy into a tiny delicate cradle at the top of a 20-foot pillar, and that will lead him to shangri-la, which will put us one step closer to OH NOO DOOM. So all we need to do is send a dude up the pillar with a simple hammer and BINK knock the cradle off its perch and BINGO PROBLEM SOLVED FOREVER, but NOOOO, plan A is to wait for emperor and his lackeys to show up and then SHOOT THEM WITH GUNS, and the bckup plan is to blow up the pillar with loads of explosives that have 20-foot fuses that give the emperor, who, by the way, has control of the VERY ELEMENTS OF NAtURE, like half an hour to put out the fuses by throwing some snow on them.

continued after one more drink where is rum

----------

RUM FOUND

So as any asshole could have predicted, fraser and son's plans totally failed to stop jet li from strolling up and sticking Artifact B into cradle B, which pointed a laser to lead us to Shangri-La, where emperor jet li jumps into the jacuzzi of life and gains the power to raise his shitty 2000 year old army and turn into some kind of stupid dragon. A 3 headed dragon. Who still totally fails to kill a couple of totally ordinary stupid humans, who will somehow end up foiling his plans at the end. Oh, I'm sorry, was that a spoiler? Fuck you.

Step FUCK YOU: So he raises his long-dead statue army, who for some reason will only become awesome after crossing the Great Wall of China. Why? Fuck you, I don't know why and neither did the screenwriter. There's just no fucking reason for it other than to give us anotreh 20 minutes of CGI statues marching toward a wall against our 3 regular shmos and another army of long-dead victims of Emperor Fuckyou, who have revived for just this occasion.

Oh, also the super crazy pilot who is the best is named Mad Dog. Seriously? Mad Dog? Good fucking Lord.

Anyway, we end up in an underground temple for no good reason, and Encino Man and his son manage to team up and stab the emperor in the heart with the one mystical sword that can kill him, despite the established fact that Emperor Jet Li is a super ninja who can kill 4 trained armed assassins at the same time without breaking a sweat, and the entire extended Fraser family are imcompetent at FUCKIGN EVEYTHING. Then all the awakened armies dissolve into dust so we don't have any awkward shit 6to tie up, and the movie ends with everyone sustaining injuries no worse than a basic black eye.


I had to go back to the kitchen and mix up like 4 more drinks and then start the movie over again to finish thuis shit WHAT THE FUCK.

RATING: DO NOT SEE. DO NOT THINK OF SEEING. IF YOU WROTE THIS SREENPLASY I WILL PUNCH YOU HARD ECAUSE YOU ARE BAD